So, a new series started last night of the poor UK (and Ireland) alternative to the brilliant America’s Next Top Model with one of my favourite women ever, the incredible, bonkers, beautiful, bizarre Tyra Banks.
Poor old BINTM, or BNTM as it used to be known. Three hosts, countless judges of varying eccentricity and brilliance, and some crazy format changes. Last year’s snore-fest of audition episodes saw us have to suffer weeks of watching the judges in an X-Factor style destroy countless teenage girls the land over.
That’s gone this year, but could there have been anything more cruel than the way host Elle McPherson got rid of Scots hopeful Danielle last night?
Down the spiral stairs Elle sauntered to where the 20 finalists sat. After looking at pictures taken that day, Elle had decided one girl was to go. Just the one. And it was Danielle. She delivered the crushing blow, and then turned on her expensive heel and wiggled her way back up the steps in her butt-exposing dress. A hug? Words of wisdom? Reasons she had to go? Don’t be ridiculous. Where’s the shock value for TV in that?
Anyway, listen up! The Giddy Kipper has come across some secret phone calls* (Leveson, shmeveson!) between ANTM’s Tyra, and her BINTM wannabee Elle.
Tyra: McPherson, is that you?
Elle (in whispered tones): Yes, it’s me, The Body, The Hair…
Tyra: Speak up woman! And yes, whatever, but remember, I created this show bitch. If you want to end up like those Lisa people, keep whispering…
Elle: Sorry, sorry, Tyra, I’ll be better this series, much louder, I promise. People won’t need to kneel down in front of their TV sets to hear me, I promise.
Tyra: Yeah, yeah, okay, let’s talk about this series shall we? Are you trying to ruin my brand, McPherson? Are you trying to destroy the reputation of the greatest American reality TV show there is? Are you trying to get one over on me because I was more successful than you as a model?
Elle: Well, that last point’s debatab…
Tyra: Zip it, Ellie and listen up! Changes are going to be made. I don’t know where you got that kooky Grace girl, but she’s gotta go. Far too eccentric. What the heck was she wearing last season?!
Elle: But she’s fashion, Tyra, and isn’t that what we’re about?
Tyra: Don’t be ridiculous, it’s about cat-fights, and ratings, and making them love you and love you, and well, love you. Fashion my ass. And that Charlie boy has to go too. Drippy, wet, and dull, dull, dull. So. I’m sending you the best thing ever for the new series – two AMERICANS!
Elle: But, it’s Britain and Ire…
Tyra: You’re Australian bitch, what do you care?
Elle: Ah yeah, I forgot…can we keep Julien?
Elle: Julien. Julien MacDonald? The designer. Welsh?
Tyra: Nope, not ringing any bells, what the heck, if he’s there, keep him. Anyway, The Americans. Tyson Beckford, and Whitney freaking Port!
Elle: Ah, mmm, yeah, er, Tyson Beckford and Whitney..Port?
Tyra: Yeah, reality show bitch, The Hills or City or Valleys. Blonde, kids love her.Jeez, McPherson, how old are you?
Elle: What do you mean how old am I? Oh God, am I wrinkling again? Do I need Botox? I look 35 max, right? With this body..
Tyra: Settle down McPherson. I’ve seen your finalists. One of them is like a stick in my momma’s garden. She needs feeding up. Get rid of her. You know how crazy the Brits are for skinny models this, skinny models that. Just make up some story about her not being up for it and get her out.
Elle: But she wears the clothes so well…
Tyra: Listen up Body, she’s out…
This was where the tape went crackly, but then we got our hands on the second call, right after the airing of the first episode of BINMT last night…
Tyra: McPherson? MCPHERSON? Get your ear to this phone.
Elle: Hey, Tyra, seen the show. good huh, we got rid of those auditions, cut straight to the 20 finalists, threw out the skinny girl, managed to persuade the kinda dumb girl with the wonky teeth she was missing her kid so much she should leave, and dumped one of them at the end of the…
Tyra: McPherson. What did I tell you about getting close to the girls?
Elle: Ah, I know, but they just mess up my look, you know, when I have to stand near them. And they might touch my hair. I can’t have them near my hair
Tyra: So you just crushed that poor Scotch girl’s dreams and waltzed off up the stairs. Where’s your compassion McPherson? Do you have a heart concealed under that overpriced own-range underwear that has no support and does nothing for big-boobed women like me?
Elle: She had bad eyebrows Tyra. She had to go.
Tyra: Good point. At ease, McPherson. Speak next week…
*Neither of these phone calls came from any phone, and are of course, completely fictional in a satirical way, and we don’t condone phone hacking in any way.