TV Tuesday – Geordie Shore/EastEnders comedy gold

So, Mr GK and I will be sitting down in front of MTV at 10pm tonight for the summer series of Geordie Shore. The, well, Geordie version, of American MTV’s smash-hit, Jersey Shore, Geordie Shore is like the guilty pleasure you never want to admit too.

It’s horrible. For those of you who have never watched it, it’s basically about this: lots of over-pumped guys, with too much testosterone, and lots of overly made up girls, with lots of fake hair, WAY too much tan and fingernails that are just rank, live together in a house, work for a promotions company when they feel like it, and, sorry mum, shag a lot. Yes, there is lots of sex. The bosses of Big Brother must be crying into their non-branded wine. For years, all they wanted on BB was a couple to have sex. It kind of happened with Stu and Michelle – remember them!? But on Geordie Shore it happens every week. And they film it. Of course it’s just duvets moving up and down we see, but it’s pretty obvious what’s going on.

Aside from the sex there is a lot of fighting, arguing, shouting, vomiting, drinking, dancing, and exposing of body parts. Their mothers must be proud. But despite all of that, it’s must-see, completely addictive, horrific viewing that leaves you feeling two things – a bit mucky, and brilliant about yourself. Even at he height of my party days, you’ll say, I never got that bad.

Watch out for James’s comb over and his spectacular bad luck with the girls (six weeks of ‘sexico in Mexico’, he says on this season’s trailer. Dream on James!). Jay moves his hands in a horrendous way whenever he talks. When I look at Gary I see nothing but a sexually transmitted disease breeding ground – he makes my flesh creep. As for the girls, there’s Vicky, who gets engaged to Ricci this series (and if there were ever two more irritating people who suit each other it’s these two), there’s Rebecca who has to have had her hair fixed since the last series, please. If you need an advert for not having bad extensions, this is it. And there’s Charlotte, who is so  thick it’s frightening.

And Holly. Big-boobed, red-haired (nothing wrong with that, right enough!) loud-mouthed, hated in the first series, very popular now, in love with James and not averse to vomiting in her bed. She’s a classy lass. But I like her. Sort of. And then I despair.

They’ve taken this motley crew to Cancun, for sun, sea, sand and well, yeah, I think you’ve got the idea now.

Over in EastEnders in the next few weeks, Kat Slater, who would most definitely fit in with the Geordie Shore gang, is going to be at the centre of a ‘whodunnit’. Sadly, no-one is going to murder her. No, some poor unfortunate Walford male is going to have his wicked way with her, and we get to guess who it is out of five suspects. Derek, Max, Ray, Jack or Michael.

Is this not one of the most ridiculous EastEnders plots yet? I know soaps aren’t the place for high morals, but for heaven’s sake, is this really how we treat someone having an affair? Make a game out of it?! Cheating is not good. It destroys relationships, and sometimes, lives. I couldn’t give a flying whatever who Kat Slater sleeps with or not. The reintroduction of her and Alfie (though without Kat he’d be fine) has been horrific and does nothing to help this ailing soap. When Jessie Wallace took a break recently the show was much better off without this repellent character.

And if you think that’s bad, wait until August, when Ian Beale reappears, having had a mental breakdown and spent the last few months sleeping rough.

I have really no idea where they are going with this storyline, but all the photos released today of Ian as a down and out did was make me laugh out loud! How hilarious does he look?! Could they not have asked Adam Woodyatt to grow a beard rather than stick on this absolutely ridiculous fluff! LOL! Every time I look at this I’m in stitches! I’m not sure that’s the message EastEnders are trying to convey here, are you?!

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